Jerry and Carol: Meet through their church

Jerry, 62, and Carol, 59, found each other at a Church on Whidbey Island when each was going through a period of healing, one for the death of a spouse and the other recovering from a difficult divorce.  They arrived at the church at a different times, but they each wanted to re-start their lives and move on to new people and new activities.

Jerry grew up in the Midwest and married his high school sweetheart when they were both 20.  They had a loving relationship for 40 years until she died unexpectedly of a brain aneurysm in February 2010.  Jerry had made several visits to a friend on Whidbey Island over the years.  In his state of grief and loss, Jerry decided to move from the Midwest to Whidbey Island in January 2011 to be with his friend and continue to heal.   He believes the move was the beginning of a new life, “The faith community here is awesome!”

Carol was also raised in the Midwest, but moved out to Whidbey Island in 1985 with her husband.  They divorced shortly afterwards, and she remarried in 1987.  Her second marriage lasted for 11 years, but in 1998 she found herself single again.  She says it took her years to recover from the emotional grief of two failed marriages.  Part of her healing was accomplished by going back to college. She got an AA from Skagit Valley College and continued at the University of Washington where she got a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology with a focus on animal behavior in 2010.  (This degree and her profession as a dog trainer came in handy a couple of years later when Jerry needed some help with an energetic Golden Retriever puppy.)

Carol had been the Sunday School Superintendent at the church for several years.  One day in June 2011, Carol noticed a stranger in the building, walking down the hall.   She introduced herself and learned that Jerry was the stranger who was now the new part-time pastor.  They soon developed a friendship and attended church events together.  Carol noted that, “Everyone wanted to have the new pastor over for dinner.”

After a year as friends, Jerry said to Carol, “You haven’t had me over to dinner yet.”  Carol gave him an invitation, and at this dinner followed by some other friend activities, Jerry realized that his feelings of grief were beginning to subside and something about Carol made him begin to think he could be with someone again.  Jerry says, “I found Carol bright, interesting and fun, down-to-earth with a great sense of humor.  I liked the way she worked with the children in the church and how we shared a common love of faith, family and music. “

Then, there was the church hayride at a local ranch in September 2012.  Carol helped Jerry as he played guitar and led people in singing.  Jerry says, “I suddenly felt this desire to put my arm around Carol.”  A few days later, Jerry and Carol were having dinner together and Jerry asked her, “Where is this relationship going?”  That night they kissed for the first time.  They each describe this first kiss as “Awesome and scary.”  With both of them on staff at their church a dating relationship would raise some serious questions.  Jerry noted that while they were both excited he followed up the kiss with a plea to her the very next day, “We have to talk.”

They had a meaningful conversation about their feelings and their fears.  Jerry went to talk with the Senior Pastor of their Lutheran Church first.  He was advised to think some more about his decision to date Carol.  For six weeks they saw each other in secret.  By this time both Carol and Jerry were prepared to do what was necessary to be free to date.  Carol was so confident in the relationship she told Jerry, “I’ll become a Methodist if it’s necessary.”

Together they talked to the Senior Pastor.  Jerry was instructed to follow up their meeting with a visit to the Bishop in Seattle.  Since Jerry wasn’t Carol’s pastor and Carol did not answer to Jerry for work she did on staff, it was decided that there was no problem developing their relationship.  So, they went on their first public date.

When Jerry is asked, “How do you know this person is the one?” he immediately responds, “I continue to find reasons for us to be together.  It’s clear to me that Carol will always be complementary and supportive.”  Carol says, “I really love Jerry.  We’re having such a great time dating.  After two marriages that didn’t work out, I’m taking my time.  We’re not in a rush.”

For the time being, they each have separate homes and families.  Jerry and Carol each have two daughters.  One of Carol’s daughters lives next door to her with a husband and two children.  She loves the time they spend together.  Jerry and Carol admit they are still learning what to expect in their relationship.  And, they are working on the family logistics, like what to do with the major holidays.  They agree, “It’s a learning process.”

Jerry adds, “Our relationship doesn’t have so much of the ego needs like the ones that come when you’re young.  We don’t have the complexities and demands of raising children.”

More than anything, they feel confident that this relationship is a lasting one.  As Carol says, “We’re having so much fun!”

Rich and Carolyn: Our Love Story

By the time I was in my mid 50’s I had been married and divorced twice.  I remember holding my sweet cat, Monet, and asking him, “Will you be the last male in my life?”

I was raised as a secular Jew.  My father knew who all of the Jewish celebrities were, there was little discussion of the Jewish religion when I was growing up.  My first two husbands were not Jewish.  For most of my life, I had very little connection with my Jewish roots, other than an occasional Passover celebration and lighting the candles on a menorah for Chanukah.

When I divorced the second time, my Jewish college roommate and dear friend suggested that I join a synagogue and meet “a nice Jewish man.’  I knew I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life alone.  I’d always told myself I was a partner person.  So, I took her advice (after doing lots of on-line dating) and joined a nearby synagogue.

The Bet Alef Synagogue in Bellevue was led by Rabbi Ted Falcon,  who is a strong proponent of acknowledging the value of all faiths.  The synagogue created a chant choir, called Tiferet (Hebrew for heart space), that performed with groups from other religious denominations at St. Marks Cathedral and other venues.  There were about 25 of us in the choir, and for about two years I sat across from Rich in our weekly rehearsals.  Finally, I walked up to him one day and introduced myself ("Hi.   You’re the only member of this group that I haven’t met yet.”).  He had recently been divorced from his wife and had just decided he would begin dating other women.

Our first date was an informal get together to attend the birthday party of someone from the synagogue.  After that date, we saw each other several times for the next two weeks, having wonderful conversations and holding hands when we walked somewhere.  Then, we had our first kiss, a kiss goodnight that seemed to last forever.

I went home and wrote in my journal, “This is the man for me.”

Over the next several months, we dated regularly, and experienced several instances of people assuming we’d been married for 30 years.  One of the most memorable times was when we went hiking in the Mount Baker area.  We pulled off the trail to rest for a moment.  There was a handsome older man, probably about 60 years of age, of Asian descent, with a full head of grey hair.  He fit my image of an Asian guru.  He smiled at us and asked, “Are you two married.”  We both smiled a bit shyly and told him we weren’t.  He simply responded, “You will be,” and walked off.

After we had been dating for a year, we went to a 5-day silent retreat in Hawaii (people who know me are shocked that I could handle even one day of silence).  I later found out that my three daughters, who were teenagers at the time, were taking bets on when he’d propose.  After the retreat, we went to the Kona Coast for a couple of talking days, and he did ask me if I wanted to be engaged.  Of course, I said yes, but then later when I asked him when we would marry, he told me, “I thought you just wanted to be engaged!”

Somewhat less than two years after our first date, Rich and I had a traditional Jewish ceremony at the synagogue where we had met, led by the rabbi who had seen how quickly Rich and I had become intense romantic partners (he had noted that when we came to Friday services, I always had my hand on Rich’s thigh).  The director of our chant group performed several of the songs for our wedding ceremony (including our theme song, “Our Love is Here to Stay”), and our Tiferet choir also participated.

That day was over 10 years ago.  People who see us comment that we still seem like newlyweds.  And that is how we feel.  Like other late-in-live loves I have met, we came into each other’s lives with a strong spiritual feeling, like we were soul mates; we are best friends; and we’ve learned to not sweat the small stuff and to work through our differences in a mutually respectful way.

We have agreed that we will be mates forever more, which is good because we wouldn’t want to disappoint the many people who see us as an iconic picture of love.  That’s how I see us as well.

Meeting Harry and Donna

In 2008, my husband, Rich and I signed up for a special cruise to the Mexican Riviera.

Each night, we rotated to a new set of dinner mates, and one night we were joined by Harry and Donna, who quickly let us know that they were “happy partners” at their retirement home. Harry was 90 and Donna was 87, and they had been living together for two years.

During the cruise, we shared several conversations, and after we came home we continued to share phone conversations and letters. I want to tell their story because like Harry and Donna, Rich and I are late-in-life loves.

Donna moved into a retirement home with her husband in February 2001. She had taught fifth and sixth grade children with learning disabilities in California until her retirement.  A couple months after they moved into the retirement home, her husband of 59 years died. Donna shared her thoughts with us: “I feel sorry for people who are as lonesome as I was, especially after being in a happy marriage.”  

Harry moved into the retirement home with his wife, in March, 2002. Harry was in the Navy from 1935 through 1945. Later he worked in a naval shipyard as a diver and supervisor. His wife, Katherine, and Donna became friends, and they shared the dinner table with Harry and two other women.  Katherine died in August 2005, ending a 64-year loving relationship.  The other two table mates died a short time after.  When they were alone at the table, Donna and Harry began talking more with each other. They soon discovered they were both passionate liberals and as they shared more conversations and time together, they discovered they were falling in love.

They began taking trips together in Harry’s motor home. Donna smiled as she recalled how they would sneak away together with the help of her daughter who would slip a suitcase into Harry’s motor home as the two lovebirds were leaving to go off on a trip.

When Donna and Harry realized they were in love and wanted to live together, they asked the management of their retirement home if this would be possible. The manager agreed, and they moved in together. They would have married, but after lengthy marriages that produced two children each, eight grandchildren, and three great grandchildren, they decided it would create too many complications for their families if they married. Harry added, “All of the children approve of our relationship and are really happy for us.”

So, they chose to live together, with all of the elements of marriage, except for a piece of paper.

 When we first shared a dinner with Harry and Donna, I noticed that they were frequently holding hands. I asked Donna, “Do you cuddle much?” She shot back quickly, “All the time.”  And, she added, “We got caught smooching once in the entrance lobby.”

I suggested to Donna that it must have been very difficult for her after the death of her husband. She agreed with me. Then, her expression changed from a sad face to a broad smile, and she said, “I didn’t think I could fall in love again at my age.”

I have thought a lot about Harry and Donna since our meeting. And, I keep noticing similar late-in-life love stories…particularly when I tell people that Rich and I are late-in-live loves.

After meeting, falling in love with, and then marrying Rich when I was 62, I said to my friends: “I’m the poster girl for it’s never too late.”  Then I began meeting others who had met and married in their 40’s, 50’s and 60’s. Like Harry and Donna, the couples all seemed to share the same basic story: they were best friends; spent a lot of time together; were very romantic; didn’t sweat the small stuff; were far more accepting of their differences rather than trying to change the other person.  

After spending time with Harry and Donna, even I marveled at the idea that late-in-life love happens beyond the 60’s. I also remembered that when I was a little girl, my great grandfather who was 98 and living in a retirement home, married his 95 year-old sweetheart whom he had met there.

I believe that a great love relationship is wonderful and amazing at whatever age it happens. Although I haven’t seen any statistics, it seems to me that I am encountering more people who found the love of their life in their later years.

When Rich and I were first dating most people we met thought we had been married for several years. This also seems to be the pattern of many of the couples I have met on Whidbey who seem so well matched and comfortable together that I have been surprised to learn they have been married for only 5 or 10 years.

I do think there are similar themes that Rich and I share with these other couples: We have a sense of spiritual connection, of there being a greater intention that brought us into each others lives; we see our relationship as both a healing experience and a learning experience.

What is true for Rich and me are the most common characteristics for the late-in-life love partners I know: We place enormous value on our relationship; we often feel a sense of youth and playfulness when we are together; and we have a commitment to be with our partner forever.

Recently, Rich and I were flying home from a vacation. Just as the flight attendant stopped by to get our beverage request, Rich and I shared a kiss. “Are you two newlyweds,” she asked. Without a second to think, I responded “Always.”